Maybe a Fake Gintama – Read Fanfic

“Huh?! Could it be you’re Shinpachi?!” Gintoki exclaimed in surprise, “I didn’t notice you at all. This should definitely work, right?”

“Ah, don’t worry,” Sakamoto replied, “Until you spoke, I didn’t even realize you were there.”

“It’s like you appeared out of thin air. Impressive, Shinpachi-kun,” Kawaki smiled with his arms crossed, “When did you learn invisibility? Was it during a hot spring bath, Hanzou-kun?”

(Note: Hanzou refers to Hasegawa Hanzou, the protagonist of the TV series “Invisible Man.” Just a reminder, it’s not the kind of invisible man you might think of!)

“Who’s Hanzou-kun?” Shinpachi retorted with disdain, two large veins popping on his forehead, “How insignificant am I? Do I really have the presence of an invisible man? And Kagura-chan, Tsukuyo-san, can you two stop whispering about being cautious of me during baths? I wouldn’t do such a thing!”

Katsura chuckled and praised, “Don’t worry, even I, who has done many disguises, must admit your disguise is perfect. This will definitely work, Toshio-kun!”

(Note: Toshio refers to Saeki Toshio, the beloved son of Kayako from the movie “The Grudge,” a pure and cute little boy.)

“Who’s Toshio?!” Shinpachi ranted again, “Seeing me as Toshio is already unacceptable! Do you want me to curse you to death?! You idiot squad!”

At this point, Fujiko closed her eyes and said, “I have no choice, my clothes are bigger, so you can come in.”

The next moment, as Fujiko sat on Shinpachi’s face, causing him to have a nosebleed, Gintoki spat angrily, “Where do you want him to go?! The white devil has turned into Char’s custom red, you slut!”

Seeing Shinpachi lying on the ground, blood pouring from his nose, Gintoki sighed and frowned at Kagura, “That’s enough, Kagura. You let him in too, didn’t you? Isn’t it too big?”

“No, I won’t,” Kagura refused with a look of disdain, “Arushiro has been customized for my use.”

Shinpachi, covering his still-bleeding nose, got up and calmly announced his offer.

“Five vinegar kelp.”

“Can’t be helped,” Kagura placed her hands on her hips, “If you give me ten, I’ll help you.”

Tsukuyo pointed at Kagura and looked at Kawaki.

“Just pretend you don’t know. I had nothing to do with forming these values.” Kawaki looked away.

The next moment…

Shinpachi, carrying Kagura on his shoulder, his upper body protruding from Arushiro’s head, ranted furiously, “What’s the difference from before?! At the very least, hide my head! Shinpachi is sticking out! It’s all exposed!”

“Shut up,” Kagura said with disdain and impatience, “If you get a nosebleed again down there, it’ll be disgusting.”

“Who would get a nosebleed because of you?! You idiot!”

“Huh?!” Instantly annoyed, Kagura walked to a nearby railing, peeking over, “Did you say something?!”

“Ahhhh!!” Seeing the abyss below, Shinpachi screamed.

At that moment, footsteps approached from behind Kawaki and the others.

Hearing the sound of the opposing party raising a signboard, they all turned around.

“Are you the maintenance crew?”

“What are you doing here?”

[Oh no!] Shinpachi panicked internally. [I’m the only one exposed!]

“Nothing much.” Sakamoto, covered in pixelated vomit from his mouth to his chest, raised a signboard.

“Just taking a short break.” With pixelated colourful, unidentified objects in her mouth, Fujiko raised a signboard.

[How are you all hiding so well?!] Shinpachi mentally ranted, then noticed something [Huh? What are they all holding in their mouths? How panicked were they?]

He glanced at Gintoki and Katsura, who had UNO cards in their mouths, then at Kawaki, who had a Sugoroku board in his mouth.

[What were you guys doing in there? Were you playing UNO? And did you bring a Sugoroku board, too? What are you here for?!]

Shinpachi then looked at Fujiko, who had unidentified objects in her mouth, and Tsukuyo, who was holding a bucket of lubricant in her mouth.

[What’s in your mouth?! And Tsukuyo-san, why do you have that? Do you carry it everywhere?! How do we get through this? What expression should I have?!]

“Hey, what’s that on your head?” a Renpou soldier raised a signboard at Arushiro.

[They noticed! What do I do?!]

“It’s a boil.” Kagura raised a signboard.

[A boil?!] Shinpachi was stunned, his mouth half open in a constipated expression. [What kind of excuse is that?! Who would believe that?! What expression does a boil have?!]

“I have a boil too.” Sakamoto raised a signboard while vomiting.

[Stay out of this!] Shinpachi mentally screamed, [You’re vomiting something else!]

“I have a boil draw card.” Gintoki raised a signboard and spat out a card.

[Don’t draw a boil!]

“Too bad, mine’s draw four.” Katsura raised a signboard and spat out another card.

[The problem is your brain! I told you not to play UNO!]

“I have a boil Sugoroku. I’m at the brothel, spending 20,000 yen on the B course.” Kawaki raised a signboard and spat out a complete Sugoroku board.

Seeing the Sugoroku map filled with unmentionable shop names, Shinpachi mentally ranted, [Stop it, you idiots! What kind of Sugoroku map is that?! Can anyone complete a whole round?! Two rounds would kill you!]

“Unfortunately, due to lubricant, I can’t roll the dice next turn.” Tsukuyo raised a signboard and spat out another bucket of lubricant.

[Tsukuyo-san, you too?!]

Ding, ding, ding…

Seeing the colourful pixelated unidentified objects increase in Fujiko’s mouth, Shinpachi mentally ranted again, [What did you add?! What are you all playing?! It’s over, we’re busted! Because of these idiots, Earth is doomed!]

“Take care of your bodies before the expedition.”

Seeing the Renpou soldier turn away after raising the signboard, Shinpachi was puzzled. [Huh? Did we pass?]

“Wait, I’ll lend you Clearasil.” The Renpou soldier didn’t leave immediately but raised another signboard and started rummaging in his suit.

(Note: Clearasil is a famous British oil control and acne treatment brand.) [We passed! And he’s lending us Clearasil!] Shinpachi was shocked, but before he finished, he saw the soldier turn around, holding a vast chainsaw labelled “Cure All Wounds.”

“Just cut it off with this.” The soldier raised another signboard and turned on the chainsaw.

[Clearasil is harsher than I thought!!] Shinpachi’s face, in a constipated expression, broke into a cold sweat.

But before he could finish thinking, Kawaki and the others had already laid Arushiro flat on the ground and pinned Shinpachi’s arms.

[Hey! What are you doing, you idiot squad?! Assistant! Let me go!]

Hearing the chainsaw’s buzzing getting closer, Shinpachi mentally screamed, [Stop! I’m not a boil!]

Seconds later, watching his glasses, cut by the chainsaw, fall to the ground, Shinpachi… remained silent.

“This feels much better.” The soldier raised a signboard and walked away, not forgetting to raise another signboard, reminding them, “Dinner time soon, head to the hall.”

“Understood!” Gintoki, still holding Shinpachi down, raised a signboard.

After the Renpou soldier walked away, Shinpachi internally screamed.

[What am I even doing here!!!]

……

In the brightly lit dining hall of Renpou’s mothership, unlike the people bustling around and Kawaki’s group rushing to the dining area, Arushiro and Fujiko were much quieter.

“It seems we’ve finally passed the first test,” Fujiko murmured, “Successfully infiltrating the enemy’s base. Now comes the real challenge. To thwart their plan, we must penetrate deeper into their military core.”

She glanced at the two high-ranking Renpou officers sitting in the highest seats, their hairstyles identical except one had red hair and the other blue, each with a small tuft on their foreheads, “Look, those are the twin dragon generals. Renpou is composed of squads led by various captains, and leading those captains are the twin dragon generals. And leading all of them is Midakuma, who started as a lowly soldier and rose to marshal through his strength and cunning. He’s the one planning the invasion of Earth. Midakuma is feared as the shadow general. He binds Renpou with strict rules. Whether I can reveal my skin, or speak, depends on him.”

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